If This Is Goodbye
by xhidden.tearsx
Summary: He refused to let go and she was slowly reverting back to her old ways. He couldn't let her leave without getting some closure. BL season 4, slightly AU. Better than it sounds!


_There's nothing you can say_  
_Some things just can't be fixed_  
_Every word sounds the same_  
_It's such a shame_  
_Such a bittersweet kiss_  
_I can't sleep_

_I wish it was your fault_  
_But I can't say that you were wrong_  
_No, there's no one I can blame_  
_We knew it couldn't last_  
_Still we held on far too long_  
_It's much too late_  
_To be sorry for it all_

_xxxx_

* * *

He misses her like crazy. Everything in this town reminds him of her and the mess that he caused. The summer was almost over and pretty soon they'd be parting ways. She would be heading to New York to embark on a career in the fashion industry and he would be staying behind and attending UNC in hopes of becoming a writer someday. He was afraid of them drifting apart, even further than they already had after High School. He was barely hanging on to her and she was slipping away. Everything seemed empty as he drove down the streets of Tree Hill. The beach was vacant, the streets were empty and the sun was slipping down past the horizon and would soon disappear too. He turned down the familiar street and took in a deep breath. He didn't know why he was driving by her house because clearly she was not home. She was most likely out at Tim's stupid party, getting drunk and looking for a hook up. He was afraid of her reverting back to her old ways and claiming her title as the queen of whores and as a teenage alcoholic. He's watched her indulge herself in boys and booze all summer and it makes him sick because it's not the Brooke Davis that he knows and loves. The old Brooke Davis was making her return and veering its ugly head.

* * *

There's something about her, something that he can't quite put his finger on. Something that makes him yearn for her. Maybe it's the dark chocolate locks that cascade down her back and frame her face in soft waves. Maybe it's those brilliant hazel eyes that put even the brightest of all the stars to shame. Maybe it's that adorable smile that etches across her perfect cherry red lips accompanied by two gorgeous dime-sized dimples. Maybe it's that soft, enticing ivory skin that teases him, practically begging for his touch. Maybe it's that curvaceous body complete with legs that go on for days, large, well rounded breasts, and voluptuous curves. Maybe it's everything.

He watches her make her rounds on the dance floor in a pair of jeans that are way too tight, a pair of heels that any sane person would fall and break their neck in and a very low cut shirt. It's enough to make him salivate in his mouth. Her body rocks and her hips grind against a multitude of other sweaty ones as she struts around like she owns this place. Sometimes he wonders why he ever gave her up. Why he ever took her for granted. He had the chance once and he blew it. That seemed like a lifetime ago though and he knew that he was ready this time. Ready for more.

He watches as she grabs a bottle, clutching it tightly in her tiny hands and brings it to her lips. He watches as the liquid seeps in through her mouth and she lets out a slight giggle. It's just a matter of seconds before the entire bottle is gone and she's stumbling off the dance floor, looking for her newest conquest. He catches her eye and she stares at him intensely. He thinks that for a second that maybe just maybe she'll be going home with him tonight. Then she turns her head and starts working her magic on the buff guy standing opposite her and it shatters all hopes he might have had. It should be him she's laughing along with, it should be him she keeps snaking her arm around and it should be him that she kisses with passion and hunger. But it isn't him and it's about time that he accepts it.

"Hey, stranger."

He looks up and sees the blonde that he once had immense feelings for, although they could never be compared to the love that he feels towards her feisty brunette friend, the one he's been watching all night.

"Peyt," he nods his head curtly. He wants to hate Peyton for ruining his relationship with Brooke but he can't because he has nobody to blame but himself. He let her go, he watched her slip from his grasp and he did nothing to stop it but say "I'm sorry." A sorry that was clearly not good enough.

"God you're so pathetic," she rolls her eyes in typical Peyton Sawyer fashion and gives him a slight smirk.

"How do you mean?" he asks, turning to her and taking a small sip of the drink in his left hand, the bitter taste making him want to gag. The truth is he hates drinking but somehow it eases the pain. It makes him feel a little bit better that Brooke won't be going home with him tonight no matter how much he wants her to.

"Watching Brooke's every move like that. It's quite pathetic Lucas. If you're not over her, why don't you tell her instead of look like a fool?"

"Why are you telling me this Peyton? I thought you were so against me and Brooke, I mean you tried to break us up..."

"Don't," she holds up her hand and gives Lucas a stone cold glare. "Don't put the blame on me. I wasn't trying to break you up. I was trying to be honest. I didn't expect you guys to drop everything for me okay? You can't help who you love, believe I know. The heart wants what the heart wants and if your heart wants Brooke than you should go for it Luke because I want you to be happy."

"That's really nice of you Peyton but it's over. She's moved on," he gestures bitterly towards the brunette jamming her tongue down the throat of some guy that he doesn't recognize.

"No, it's not," she shakes her head, a mass of blonde curls shaking and falling into her face. "She still loves you Lucas. I know Brooke Davis better than anyone on this entire planet and I know exactly how she operates. That is just her way of dealing with the pain. She is trying to move on by sleeping with random guys because she doesn't want to get hurt. She doesn't commit because she's scared shitless of getting her heart broken again."

"I don't know what to do," he whispers, his eyes still glued to the brunette on the other side of the room. "I need her."

"Like I said, tell her Lucas. She needs to know."

The she was gone. He lets out a deep sigh and takes another generous swig of his drink as he looks on bitterly. He hates living like this. It's killing him inside to see her unaffected by their breakup. But as Peyton said maybe that was her way of dealing with the pain, trying to forget.

He's pretty drunk by now, the world spinning beneath his feet and he can see that she is too. He watches Brooke leave the room and he takes the incentive to follow her. It's almost like she can feel his presence lingering behind her because she whips around and gives him a dirty look.

"What the hell are you doing?" she hisses, the venom dripping from her breath.

"I miss you Brooke," he whispers quietly, taking a step towards her and staring at her intently.

"You're drunk," she speaks, turning her head to the side.

"So are you," he shrugs with a soft smile. "I can't deal with this pain Brooke. I love you and I just want to be with you."

"It doesn't matter Lucas. I'm leaving tomorrow," she whispers quietly. "And your apologies don't change how I feel."

She turns to walk away but he grabs her and makes her face him. "I miss having someone to talk to. You were the only one other than Haley that ever understood me."

The truth is they haven't spoken much since the breakup several months ago and he's afraid that they'll drift even further apart than they already have if he doesn't say something.

"It's too hard," she responds reluctantly and he can feel the pain in her voice because it parallels with the way that he is feeling in this very moment. "Just do me a favor and move on. It's for the best."

His eyes lock with hers and for a second the world stops. He doesn't know why he does it but something inside of him makes him do it. He leans forward and kisses her with all of the desire, lust, and hunger that had build up inside of him over the course of the last few months. He's shocked when she doesn't resist but rather reciprocates his action. She parts her lips and allows his tongue to explore the inside of her mouth and relish the most intoxicating feeling. She's like an addiction. And he's hooked. He stumbles backwards towards an empty room and kicks the door open but then something inside of her triggers and she snaps back to reality. She pushes him away with her tiny fist as their lips break contact. She looks at him with empty eyes and shakes her head. "God, I hate you. I hate you for making me feel this way." The reality that they will never last in this world sinks in and she lets go. She just sends him one more volatile and hostile glare before turning on her heel and exiting his life for what she hopes to be the last time.

* * *

_You've been hanging on_  
_Hanging on_  
_And tomorrow's gonna come_  
_But I'll be gone tonight_  
_You've been hanging on_  
_For too long_  
_Don't you know_  
_That everything is not all right_  
_This is goodbye_

_xxxx_

It feels like he's being hit by a ton of bricks. He lets out a loud groan as he rolls over and rubs his forehead tiredly. He remembers last night, it's vividly imprinted in the back of his mind and he doesn't think that even consuming mass amounts of alcohol will erase it. "SHIT!" he yells out loud, his hand moving forward to block his eyes from the sunlight that is seeping in through his bedroom window. Today is the day that Brooke is leaving. How could he forget? In just a matter of minutes he's standing in front of his mirror, showered and clean shaven, trying to find the right shirt to wear. He finally settles on the blue one because she always told him that blue brought out the color in his eyes. He knows that she'll be at the beach, celebrating her last day in Tree Hill with her friends. When he pulls up in front of the beach, he sees her walking, or rather strutting, down the sand with the biggest smile plastered on her face.

"Lucas!"

He yanks his head towards the familiar voice, breaking himself out of his little "daydream" and smiles when Haley rushes towards him. He engulfs his best friend in a bone crushing hug and twirls her around in the air before setting her back down on the sand.

"Someone looks a little hung over," his brother's masculine voice laughs. Lucas shakes his head as Nathan slaps him on the back.

"I've seen better days," he smiles as he runs a hand through his shaggy blonde locks. "I can't believe she's leaving today. Who knows if we'll ever see her again…?"

"She'll be back when all is said and done Luke. You know that," Haley smiles as she places a comforting hand on Lucas's shoulder.

"Yeah, Bro, she's not going anywhere permanently. She's just going after her dreams but she'll be back in a few years time."

"I sure hope so," Lucas mumbles because he's beginning to realize that life without Brooke Davis is already unbearable enough.

* * *

New York. The city sounded so delightful, like a dream. Tonight she would be leaving, chasing her dreams and leaving behind the town that she had grown up in. The only home she'd ever known and the only people she'd ever loved. A tear slipped from her eye as she flipped open the yearbook. Lucas and Peyton. He was supposed to be her boyfriend and she was supposed her be her best friend. A picture of Lucas and Peyton together brought back many hanuting memories. She quickly shut the yearbook. She hated always being a footnote in someone else's love story. Why couldn't she ever just get her own happy ending like Nathan and Haley? Peyton and Lucas may not be officially together right now but she knew that in a matter of time, they'd finally getting the happy ending they were destined to have, with each other. She felt like she was just another memory, held up high on the shelf, covered in dust and never reminisced about. She was a forgotten memory and that's all she'd ever be.

Why was she still hanging on if she felt this way? Both her and Lucas refused to let go of something that they knew would never last. They were just a high school couple that would never last and more importantly they were the footnote in Peyton and Lucas's epic love story, one that was bound to happen. She didn't care if she was just insecure or maybe denying truth but she would never give herself to him again. The only thing she would ever give him was goodbye.

* * *

He was driving the streets of Tree Hill angrily. How could she just leave? It wasn't fair. His conscience was telling him "don't look back". He didn't know what love was. He was a stupid naïve boy that led two girls on and couldn't make up his indecisive mind. He glanced at his cellphone and was ready to let go forever as he prepared himself to delete Brooke's number. He heard a honk and looked up. It sure as hell looked like her. A powder blue convertible with the top rolled down and some awful pop music blasting from the speakers drove by. The driver was a young and beautiful brunette with gorgeous tanned skin and oversized sunglasses. He blinked and realized that it wasn't Brooke. It was just some girl that looked like Brooke, hitting on him. Everywhere he went, he was haunted by her. He glanced at his cellphone again and shook his head. He wasn't ready to let go forever. He still had 25 minutes before her flight departed and he wasn't that far from the airport. He could make it there in time. He quickly flipped around, ignoring the honks from angry vehicles and sped away towards the airport. He couldn't let her leave like this. He needed closure. Maybe he didn't have all the answers and maybe he didn't know what love was and maybe he should just let go but he didn't need the answers and he couldn't just let go. It was impossible.

_As you walk away_  
_Holding things I won't confess_  
_I hope you'll learn to see it for what it was_  
_Sacrifice your dignity_  
_And forfeit your regrets_  
_It's a brand new day_  
_Let's wash our hands of this_

_If this is goodbye_

_xxxx_

He ignores the glares and shouts that he gets as he pushes his way through the crowd of people at the Tree Hill Airport, bumping shoulders with nearly everyone.

Then he spots her. Flight 101 to New York is now boarding blares over the intercom and she looks around one last time before picking up her carryon luggage and shuffling towards the line that was waiting to board her flight.

"WAIT!" he yells, his feet running at full tilt towards her. He doesn't stop even when she turns around and looks at him like a deer caught in the headlights.

"What are you doing here?" she hisses, her voice just as cold as last night.

"I had to say goodbye," he whispers as he steps forward and cups her cheek in his hand. "I couldn't let you leave without you knowing how I felt…"

"And you couldn't have said goodbye earlier today when everyone else said it, instead of waiting until my fucking plane is about to leave."

"I've always been a little too slow when it comes to realizing what I want," he admits as he moves his lips closer to hers. "But I know what I want Brooke and it's you."

"I'm not going down that road again," she answers simply as she picks up her bag. "I have to go."

"I love you Brooke and I've watched you hook up with guys all summer and it's been killing me. I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me that you actually felt a spark with any of those guys," he demands, hope adverting in the depths of his blue orbs.

"I… I can't," she finally surrenders, cutting her gaze away from his.

"Now tell me that you still love me and that those feelings never went away…"

"I can't… because I don't know how I feel," she whispers, tears starting to slip from her hazel eyes.

"Come on Brooke, I love you and I know that you still love me," he pleads before crashing his lips onto hers. The kiss is short but says everything that needs to be said. "Now tell me that you didn't feel anything."

"Sometimes love isn't enough," she responds slowly. "I'm sorry Luke but right now it's not enough and I don't know if it ever was. Love was never our problem Lucas. It was insecurities and trust."

"Last call for flight 101 boarding to New York," booms over the intercom one last time and she looks at him tearfully. "I'm sorry Luke, but I really have to go."

"But you said that people that are meant to be together always find their way in the end…" he insists, trying to stall her from boarding that flight at any cost.

"Yes I did, and maybe we will someday. But right now is not the time Luke. We are so young and we have a lot of growing up to do. We still have a whole world to see and so many chances to take before we settle down. When one door closes, another one opens Lucas and this next chapter in my life is going to define me. I realized this past year that I've lost myself and now it's time for me to make my way into the world and find out who I really am, who I'm meant to be and I want you to do the same."

She sends him one last smile before turning and going to board the flight that will change her life forever.

"Hey Brooke?"

"Yeah"

"The world doesn't stand a chance," he smiles as she nods her head. They lock eyes and for a second, the world stops. She turns and yet again her retreating figure becomes a lost memory. He can't remember when life became so complicated. After everything they'd been through, he had faith that they'd come out on the positive end of things. She'd return in a few years and hopefully they'd be ready and maybe then love would be enough.

* * *

AN: This is just a little oneshot I've had stuck in my head for a while now. The song is called "If this is goodbye" by Honestly and I think that it is just so perfect for Brucas. To clear up any confusion, Peyton and Lucas did not get together after Brucas broke up. This story is just about Brucas still hanging on after they've broken up and how they've finally decided (or moreso Brooke has decided) to let each other go. I've started to realize that Brucas really only hurt each other more than healed each other and that love was never their problem. It was simply trust and Brooke rightfully being insecure so I decided that this little fic might shead some light on the Brucas relationship. Please review and let me know what you think!


End file.
